Defining Abuse

Red Flags of Abuse Get Help for Yourself or a Friend Domestic violence encompasses a spectrum of behaviours that abusers use to control victims. The following list includes warning signs that someone may be abusive. If you or a friend experience these behaviours from a partner, remember: it is not your fault and there are advocates waiting to help. “Red flags” include someone who: Wants to move too quickly into the relationship. Early in the relationship flatters you constantly and seems “too good to be true.” Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family. Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job. Does not respect your boundaries. Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful. Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day. Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, insults you, or that no one else would ever want or love you. Takes no responsibility for his or her behaviour and blames others. Has a history of abusing others. Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, “My ex was totally crazy.” Controls your money or causes you to incur debt. Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others. There are many forms of abuse: Physical abuse may include behaviours such as: Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking Burning Strangulation Damaging personal property Refusing medical care and/or controlling medication Coercing partner into substance abuse Use of weapons Emotional abuse occurs when an intimate partner seeks to control his/her loved one by: Name-calling, insulting Blaming the partner for everything Extreme jealousy Intimidation Shaming, humiliating Isolation Controlling what the partner does and where the partner goes Stalking Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse is not about sex. It is about power and includes any sexual behaviour performed without a partner’s consent. Technological Abuse Involves the use of technology to control and stalk a partner. Technological abuse can happen to people of all ages, but it is more common among teenagers who use technology and social media and interact in a manner often unmonitored by adults. Examples include: Hacking into a partner’s email and personal accounts Using tracking devices in a partner’s cell phone to monitor their location, phone calls and messages Monitoring interactions via social media Demanding to know partner’s passwords Click here to learn how to protect yourself from technological abuse (provided by the National Network to End Domestic Violence). Financial Abuse Any behaviour that maintains power and control over finances constitutes financial abuse. Examples include causing a partner to lose their job through direct and indirect means, such as: Inflicting physical harm or injury that would prevent the person from attending work Harassing partner at their workplace Controlling financial assets and effectively putting partner on an allowance Damaging a partner’s credit score Abuse by Immigration Status There are specific tactics of abuse that may be used against immigrant partners, including: Destroying immigration papers Restricting partner from learning English Threatening to hurt partner’s family in their home country Threatening to have partner deported

· Blame themselves for the violence. · Experience physical complaints such as headaches, stomach aches and other illnesses. · Have nightmares or difficulty sleeping. · Act out their mixed emotions with aggression &/or harm to self; or by trying to be compliant and passive. · Grow up believing that: - It is alright for men to hit women. - Violence is a way to win arguments. - It is OK to hit someone if you feel angry or upset. - Men are powerful, women are weak. - There are few, if any, negative consequences for abusive acts. - They are responsible for the abuse and responsible for solutions.

80% were abused as children or saw their mothers abused. Blame partners for their abusive behaviour. Place enormous expectations on partners in order to feel good about themselves. Are very jealous and possessive of partners. Tend not to trust other people, and therefore tend not to share inner world with others. Have limited or no social network; partner is closest person he knows. Highly emotionally dependent on partner; subject to depression known only to family. Tend to express all negative feelings as anger. Have low self-esteem. Get needs met by control, such as violence and threats. May threaten suicide if partner leaves. Come from all socioeconomic levels; all educational levels; all racial, age and ethnic groups. Can be very pleasant outside of the home and very unkind at home. Frequently demanding and assaultive in sexual behaviour. Hold very traditional, stereotyped views of male-female roles and relationships. Lack sympathy for partner’s physical and emotional pain. Tend to minimize and deny the abuse.

There are many reasons women stay. Here are just a few: · She has nowhere else to go. · She has no money or fears that leaving will put her and her children in a state of poverty. · Relatives and in-laws want her to stay. · She believes her partner can’t get along without her — he may have threatened suicide if she leaves. · She wants her children to grow up with their father. · Eroded confidence due to abuse often leaves women doubting their ability to make it on their own. · She believes her partner will change and/or she loves him. · She is afraid or ashamed. · He makes her feel guilty and tells her the abuse is her fault. · She believes she deserves the abuse. · She’s afraid for her own and her children’s lives. · She made a commitment she feels she can’t break. The first few months after she leaves are the most dangerous for a woman. Having lost control over her, often an abuser's violence increases significantly. One in five women who reported abuse said that violence occurred following or during a separation. In one-third of these cases, the violence increased in severity at the time of separation. Some research shows that there is a 75% increase of violence for at least two years post separation.

RESPECT: Respecting each other’s decisions and choices Accepting the other person for who they are “no one is in charge; it is a partnership” HONESTY/TRUST Absence of lies, manipulations and secrets Building trust takes time “my partner isn’t suspicious or jealous of my friends”. SUPPORT Comfort and empathy for one another Annoyances are worked out and not allowed to escalate You are there for each other in both good and bad times “my partner does not put me down or discourage me from achieving goals” ABLE TO BE YOURSELF Not afraid to say what is on your mind Can be yourself “I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not” FAIR FIGHTING Arguments and disagreements are normal in every relationship Both partners us fair play; this means: no physical use of power, no name calling, stay in the “here and now”- don’t drag up the past “I have choices. If my partner asks me to do anything I don’t want to, I have the right to say no”.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP Respect Trust Honesty Loyalty Caring Communication Supportive to each other Non-judgmental Equality You can be yourself UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP Jealousy Mind games Criticism Intimidation Anger/rage No privacy Lying Stalking Harassment Power/control

Things to look out for: Jealousy He checks up on you He calls women sluts Controls your time and your activities He flirts with other women Does not talk about his ex-partners Has no friends Has inappropriate anger You feel invisible, worthless, dumb, incompetent, embarrassed Always asks for money Criticizes how you look or what you wear Answers the phone for you Possessive and intrusive

Self-care does not have to be complicated or time consuming, it can be simple things that give us a moment of happiness and peace…….here are some examples of self-care. Go for a walk Get enough sleep Listen to the music you enjoy Have a cup of tea Do nothing for 5-10 minutes Take a warm bath/shower Buy yourself a little something (scented candle, chocolates, nice tea) Exercise and eat a balanced diet Wake up early and watch the sun rise

WHICH OPTION WORKS BEST FOR YOU? NH CRISIS LINE 613 225 3129. Open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day to speak to a trained crisis counsellor who will listen to you and provide you with safety planning, help finding space in a shelter and provide you with resources and services to meet your immediate needs. NH SHELTER PROGRAM: for women and children experiencing gender-based violence. Our shelter can accommodate single women and women with children for approximately three (3) months. Our shelter program consists of crisis counselling, children’s programming, support for housing, legal support, safety planning and much more. TRANSITION SUPPORT PROGRAM: provides support to women currently experiencing or have experienced violence and are living in the community. Our transition support worker provides short-tern counselling, safety planning, advocacy, housing support, court support, legal support, food banks etc., she can be reached at 613-850-8856. OTHER INQUIRIES: To reach our admin staff, please call 613-225-0533. Email our shelter staff at frontline@nelsonhouse.on.ca and our staff will respond to you within 48 hours. Alternatively, you can call the assaulted women’s helpline at 1-866-863-0511. If you suspect a loved one is being abused……what can you do to help? Listen to your loved one, in a non-judgmental manner Refrain from making decisions for her and insisting that she leave the abusive relationship Ask how you can help her and respect her choices/decisions. Let her decide when to leave. Provide her will all the information she needs to leave an abusive relationship. Call our crisis line to get the information for her. Reassure her and be there for her. DO NOT confront the abuser.

Upon arrival: You will be welcomed into the frontline office. A bare minimum intake will be done with you. You will be asked to put your clothing into the dryer as part of our bed bug policy. You will be given a tour of the house and then shown to your private room. Your room will have linens, towels and a personal care kit. You will be able to take a minute and breathe. Throughout your stay you will have: Your own private room Laundry facilities A clean environment Access to groceries and culturally specific food where possible Access to support services and shelter staff (when available) throughout the day and on weekends Access to the children’s program coordinator Access to children's programs and respite care Elevator and a fully accessible shelter Outside playground Support to apply for custody, housing, social services, and others Support for your immediate needs Appropriate referrals in the community Communal living environment where you will be requested to participate in resident meetings (once a week) and complete chores to help keep the shelter a healthy and clean space to live in Support from our transition support worker when you are preparing to move out of the shelter and up to a year afterwards